Human Pincushion

Before I begin, I’d like to note that I have excellent posture as I write this.

Over the weekend, my back started to give me some problems. At first it was just muscle soreness, but that quickly turned into an iron-claw wrenching pain that left me virtually unable to bend or twist. The mere tilt of my head sent shooting pains down along my spine and across my back. I felt like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s personal stress ball. And I could think of zero cause as to why I was in such pain. I didn’t fall, lift anything heavy, or get tackled by an NFL linebacker. What the hell?

After three days of this, I decided to go to a clinic and get an acupuncture treatment. The needles are supposed to be placed along strategic “meridians” of the body which allow for greater blood flow and thus relaxation to any inflamed muscles. Perfect. I dragged myself to an oriental medicine clinic literally a block from my apartment called 약손한의원 (Yaksonhanuiwon or “Medicine Hands Oriental Medicine Clinic"). Its existence would have forever remained a mystery to me had it not been for my co-teacher’s wise suggestion. She told me what to say in Korean and claimed the doctor spoke “English”. Lies. No matter, I was able to get by with my limited ability.

It started when I arrived at the small office on the second floor of the Empire Building. I removed my shoes, donned slippers, and checked in at the front desk with a lovely receptionist. She took my Alien Registration Card and Health Insurance as I slumped onto a comfy couch in front of the flat-screen TV tuned into a Korean entertainment channel. The place had a calming atmosphere and really pleasant smell, but I was still pretty nervous. I always wanted to try acupuncture but never before had a reason until now. In the hands of the Korean healing masters, I had no idea what to expect. Is someone going to stick those glass cups on me and suck out all my Western toxins while I am fed a “revitalizing” concoction of butterfly tears and gecko tail??? Turns out, my outlandish anticipations were completely unfounded.

I met with the doctor, a friendly and healthy-looking man who appeared to be in his forties but could easily have been eighty-five for all I know. Asians always look younger than their actual age until they get to be one-hundred, and it’s like the vacuum seal broke and all that air was just waiting to creep in and turn their faces into wrinkled prunes. Needless to say, this man communicated everything he needed to with very few words. He checked my posture in his office first, feeling my back as I stood and then lay on his table. He knew just where to press to elicit several ooohs and ohhhs from me (ha, not in a good way). The quick diagnosis was poor posture; too much slouching. Usually I walk like I have a metal rod up my spine, but I knew he was right the second he said it. I sit on the floor in my apartment and hunch over a small table to eat meals and study. I had been doing this a lot lately, and I guess my back muscles had had enough. They got so tired that everything just seized up on me.

After telling me to do certain posture exercises for three days, I was led by the receptionist to another room and ordered to lay on yet another table. I changed into a tank top (thank god I shaved my underarms) and first lay on my back on top of a heating pad. What resembled a sunlamp was poised over me, and a hot stone was placed on my belly. Mmmm, toasty. I drifted halfway between sleep and consciousness, really starting to enjoy the experience. After a while (time became meaningless), I was flipped on my back and at first I honestly did think those glass moxibustion cups were being placed on me, but it was just a muscle stimulator. It felt like my muscles were in a dough mixer, being kneaded until just the right consistency. Things were lovely until everything started to spasm all at once. I have never felt such weird fluttering pulsating sensations. It was like each contraction was loosening me up in preparation for what followed. Not painful, just…weird.

Finally the doctor came in and began inserting the needles. I barely felt the first one, and the next few were just pin pricks. It was slightly uncomfortable after the needles were in because I could feel the blood seeping into the area, swelling my muscles a bit. He poked a trail along my back except for one needle that was planted just below my ankle (damn, remembered to shave the underarms, not the legs. Oh well.). When he was finished, I lay there for a time until the receptionist came back to remove the needles and place me on the heating pad again, back under the sunlamp. Only a few areas were uncomfortable, but otherwise I felt gloriously sore.

The placement of an icy-hot patch indicated that my time was up, and I was instructed to change and head to the front to pay. I thanked the doctor as he kindly reminded me to do my exercises and avoid slouching at all costs. As I said, I have perfect posture at this very moment.

When I looked at my watch, I had to blink to realize that the time was actually correct; 7pm. I arrived at 5:30pm. It felt like a mini, slightly painful vacation that I couldn’t believe lasted for only around an hour and a half! I couldn't believe the price as well; around $5 for my entire treatment. Unreal. Obviously, it would have been much more in the states for just the acupuncture.

All in all, I am so glad I tried this. For a minute there, I was close to chickening out thinking, “Nah, I don’t really need this, I’m fine.” The next twist of my head and following shooting pains told me otherwise. So, while I am a bit sore, it seems the kinks have been worked out and now it’s up to me to maintain. Now I know that alternative medicine is definitely worth a try and can be effective when done at the right time for the right problem. Wish I had pictures but I couldn’t exactly maneuver with everything sticking out of my back. Next time, I’ll bring a friend. 